When people ask me if I want a third baby, this is what I don't say

When our minds and our hearts long for different worlds (and what I can't bring myself to say when the people around me are trying to have a good time)

Before I share this with you, I need you to know that if you have three, four, or more children, this is not an attack or interrogation on you. It would be quite hypocritical of me to articulate some of the reasoning that I’ll get to in this article from a pedestal when I am a mother of two. Instead, this is simply how I feel about the idea of a third pregnancy being inside of me, and a third child being in front of me. And, while I actually feel really light as I write this, it does contain some hard topics, so take care if you’re not feeling light today.

My daughter is 18 months old now, my son nearly three and a half years.

And so naturally, the question becomes more regular. You know the one.

It’s the evolution of the same one you field once you’re married: are you thinking about trying for a baby now?

And again when you have one child: when do you think you’ll go again? (This one is rarely posed as will you go again. It’s mostly just when.)

And then, as a parent of two kids, the question expands: do you think you’re done at two? Do you think you’ll have another baby?

It’s intended as conversational; not an interrogation. And it’s often delivered in a social setting. People are relaxed. Having a drink. Eating something. Music is blearing. Kids and babies are running and crawling and rolling all around us.

And to everyone that isn’t me, the vibe remains unshifted. Or at least, that’s how I see it. The external world continues on an even keel while something begins to happen internally.

As they await my reply with an unaffected smile, the ground beneath me goes wobbly. I feel shaky. It’s as though I’m being looked at. I wonder if I’ve suddenly become Truman Burbank on the Truman Show, just as he starts to look around him and wonder if this is reality or if this very conversation, this very scene is in fact fabricated.

And the unease that settles in my chest isn’t because the fertility question is complicated and triggering for me. For many, it is, and that’s understandable. I’m sending love if that’s you.

Instead, it’s for three key reasons; one is glaring, and two are relatively prominent in my mind.